פרשת יתרו
In this week’s Parsha, the Jews reach the culmination of the exodus by receiving the Torah at Har Sinai. The fifth of the Ten commandments is “Honor your father and mother in order that Hashem lengthens your days on this earth”. The Gemorah in Kidushin says that if one properly fulfills this crucial commandment, God himself will dwell with them and it is as if they honored God Himself. Furthermore, we find something unique in this commandment that the Torah explicitly delineates the reward for a person who honors their parents. This is only found by one other Mitzvah in the Torah – the Mitzvah of Shiluach Haken – to send away the mother bird when one wants to take the chicks or the eggs. Regarding this Mitzvah, the Torah also says that if one sends away the mother bird, he will enjoy the same good treatment in this world and the next.
My father in Law, R’ Elimelech Meller offers a profound explanation to understand the connections between these two colossal Mitzvos and why these are the only two which the Torah actually spells out the reward for. Both of these commandments require one to have a fundamental attribute of gratitude. The Midrash explains that the reason we send away the mother bird is in appreciation of her tremendous dedication to the concept of bringing children into the world which benefits the entire world. Most animals, when they sense danger near, flee in order to save their own lives. Not this bird. She stays until the bitter end, trying desperately to save her children, even by putting her own life in peril. In appreciation of this wonderful display of chivalry and goodness, we in turn do not take her offspring while she is watching, but rather are commanded to send her away and save her that pain. Similarly, honoring ones parents should be borne out of a deep appreciation that they brought one into the world. My father in law adds (based on the Sefer Hachinuch) that with this understanding, we can explain why Chazal say that when one honors one’s parents, it is as if they honored God Himself. Based on what we have said, the connection is simple. If we have appreciation to our parents, who brought us into this world, and continually perform myriads of kindnesses for us, we will certainly learn to honor God by appreciating the infinite kindness that He does for us on a daily basis.
The Gemorah in Kidushin, (31) says that when the nations of the world heard the first two commandments, (to only worship God), they claimed that the Torah was only given by God to honor Himself, and that it was not for the benefit of the world at large. But when they heard the fifth commandment, they retracted their accusations and admitted that the Torah would benefit the world. I would like to explain this Gemorah. When the nations saw the first two commandments, they thought that God was just trying to honor himself and was a selfish deity. But when they heard about the commandment to honor ones parents, they saw clearly that this commandment was not for God’s sake, rather they realized that that this would instill in a person deep rooted feelings of appreciation and respect and that these would help a person become moral and straight in a practical way. When they observed this, they retracted what they said originally and they realized that even the first commandments would help a person do this.
Why should a person show such respect to his parents? The Sefer Hachinuch says what we mentioned earlier – that a person must respect his parents merely because they brought him into the world, and also because of the endless kindness that they do in raising him. The Ramban says that even if one’s parents didn’t raise a person, he still has to be incredibly appreciative toward them for having given birth to him. My great uncle, the Meshech Chochma in Parshas Ve’eschanan says on the verse, “Honor you parents like Hashem commanded you” – where did Hashem command the Jews to honor their parents? In the dessert. The reason why their location is so relevant and the Torah went out of its way to state the location, is because in the desert, the Jews had no physical needs. Food fell directly from the sky. Their clothes were washed and ironed by the Clouds of Glory. The Jews in the dessert were completely carefree. And the reason why God commanded the Jews to honor their parents specifically in the desert was to imbue in them this message – that regardless of whether or not their parents ever give them anything, they have to treat their parents respectfully with unswerving dedication and this is Gods specific commandment.
The Pele Yoetz has a lengthy explanation in which he enumerates in detail the exact specifications which Jewish Law demands in order to properly honor ones parents. He points out that the Torah’s standards are so high, that it is nearly impossible for a person to successfully fulfill all of them. The Gemorah in Kidushin goes so far as to say, “Lucky is the person who never met his parents” – meaning that the requirements of this commandment are so stringent, that a person is better off never meeting his parents and not taking the chance of being punished on their account. One thing is clear – anyone who does know their parents, must do that best he can to honor them in every way. He must be meticulous in never causing them any pain, and anticipating any need that they might have and fulfilling it right away with a smile in order to have a chance at fulfilling this commandment properly. The Pele Yoetz ends by saying that even though we know that a father has the right to forego the honors due him, if a son takes allows his father to do this, he will still be punished. He proves this from the Gemora in Megillah (17) which says that Yaakov was punished for being away from his father for 22 years. Now one can assume that Yitzchak certainly understood that his son was busy building Klal Yisroel and doing holy work and certainly forgave his son, yet nonetheless Yaakov was punished most severely by what happened with Yosef so many years later.
I would just like to conclude by citing a couple of examples which might give a person an inkling to what degree one must attempt to fulfill this commandment. The Chazon Ish was reputed to have visited his mother daily and to have never missed a day. The Chofetz Chaim was seen constantly in his mother’s house and whenever he left, he always told her and amusing anecdote, and asked her permission to leave. R’ Baruch Ber Libowitz took care of his sick father with unswerving dedication until his dying day at the tender age of 80. And when he did pass away, R’ Baruch Ber was so nervous that perhaps he didn’t do enough for his father that he became physically ill. The Chofetz Chaim had to call him in to reassure him that he had done enough and only then did he calm down. I personally know someone who hosted R’ Baruch Ber in their Aunt’s house and noticed that he always walked around with an unlit cigarette in his mouth. When asked about this strange behavior, he responded with a shrug that since he was a young man in Yeshiva, he had become a very heavy smoker, (as was popular in Yeshivas many years ago before it was known how dangerous smoking is), and at one point, his father had indicated to him that he would prefer if his son didn’t smoke. From then on, R’ Baruch Ber never lit another cigarette.
May we all strengthen ourselves in this crucial Mitzvah and elevate ourselves by performing it consciously in all its detail!