How To Make Bad Middos Go Away
At the end of Yaakov’s life, he blesses his sons, giving rebuke when necessary. Of note is his rebuke to Reuven for his haste (Bereishis 49:4). Reuven’s hasty decision to move his father’s beds caused him to lose his right as the firstborn to Kehuna and Malchus (Rashi ibid. 49:3).
How could one act committed in haste have cost Reuven such great privileges?
Moreover, in Shabbos 55b, the Sages remark that “whoever says that Reuven sinned is in error.” Rashi (37:29) cites a Midrash that Reuven did teshuva for this sin, and what really was his “sin”? All he did was move his mother’s bed to Yaakov’s tent, in order to protect her honor. He had good intent, and when he learned that his act angered his father, he donned sackcloth and ashes in fervent repentance. Why did Reuven lose the benefits of being Yaakov’s first-born son for such a small misdeed, done with good intentions and followed by such complete repentance?
Rav Yechezkel Levinstein answers that indeed, Reuven’s sin was almost imperceptible, and whatever he did wrong he corrected. Nevertheless, Reuven was faulted simply for possessing a negative character trait: hastiness. Even if it did not lead to sin, the midda of hastiness was a blemish that rendered Reuven unfit for positions of leadership.
Yaakov’s rebuke to Shimon and Levi conveys the same message. “Cursed is their anger,” (Bereishis 49:7) Yaakov says, mentioning how they used this anger in wiping out the city of Shechem. Only, the Rambam rules (Hilchos Melachim, 9:14) that Shimon and Levi’s war against Shechem was halachically permitted. If so, why should their anger be cursed?
Again, this highlights the blemish of simply possessing a bad midda. Even if one finds a way to use it that is not an outright sin, the fact that a bad midda is a dominant part of one’s personality is deemed blameworthy.
So what can we do? Every one of us is born with some bad middos like a tendency toward envy, anger, lusts, etc. How should we deal with them?
First, Rav Wolbe would explain, we must make sure we know what bad middos we possess. This may sound easy, but let’s take haste, for example. Do we know if we possess this bad midda? Let’s ask, are we calm and methodical whenever it comes to making a decision, great or small? Moreover, Rav Yechezkel Levinstein would note that before davening, we have a halachic obligation to focus our thoughts. In ancient times, great men devoted an hour for this, but a least a moment is an obligation. If we do not do so, we are being hasty in davening, and our thoughts will most likely wander.
Even for bad middos we know we possess, such as anger, people tend to justify them, saying, for example: “OK, I got angry, but I have to show some anger. If I don’t, people will step all over me!”
We have to recognize our bad middos and change our outlook on them. Instead of rationalizing use of anger to protect ourselves, we should take to heart what the Rambam states about anger in Hilchos De’os (2:3), that one who gives in to anger is as if he serves idols! This is the first step.
Next, we have to work little by little to correct our bad middos. Harav Chaim Friedlander would compare this to a broken limb that is put into a cast. The longer the cast covers the limb, the more the muscles and tendons atrophy. So too with a bad midda, with consistent efforts we can isolate it and cause it to atrophy. The less we use it, the more it dwindles away.
We find a different way of working on a bad midda in Shabbos (156a), which states that a person who is born at a time when the astrological formation of Maadim is dominant will possess the drive to shed blood. It sounds like such a person is doomed, only the Sages explain that he can become either a mohel, shochet, doctor or armed robber (i.e., murderer). Meaning, even the midda of bloodshed has four outlets, and three of them are positive. Almost any midda can be channeled in a positive way.
For example, a jealous person can turn his gaze not toward the wealth that others have and he lacks, but rather toward the chachamim. By envying their wisdom, he now has an additional incentive for pursuing wisdom himself.
Once, the heads of a community approached the Chazon Ish, asking how to deal with a member of their community whose insistence on honor was becoming more and more of a problem.
“Deep in this man’s soul he has a need to feel honor,” explained the Chazon Ish. “Therefore, don’t try to break it, because for him, taking away his honor is like taking away his life. Rather, try to convey to him the idea that the true honor in life comes from Torah and mitzvos.”
May we be zoche to recognize and work on our middos!