Comming Back to the Real You

By Rabbi Moshe Krieger, Yeshivas Bircas HaTorah

The Navi relates that during the ten days of teshuva, Hashem draws Himself closer to us, calling upon us to do teshuva (Yishaya 55:6, explained in Maseches Rosh Hashana 18a). These are also the most propitious days for doing teshuva, as the Rambam (Laws of Teshuva 2:6) explains that teshuva during these days is more readily accepted.

The Rambam implies that teshuva during these days is an imperative. For the average person, only teshuva — and not another mitzvah — can tip the scale and merit him life (ibid. 3:3).

For many of us, the reaction to the above is, unfortunately, to give up. “Look, I know that I’m far from where I should be in avodas Hashem, but I don’t know where to start, so I’ll just go on as usual,” some people say. Others take the idea of teshuva seriously, and amass a sizable list of matters that need correcting, thinking to themselves, particularly on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur: “I’m going to improve. I’m really going to change. This year I’m really going to work on myself” — but these words do not lead to any concrete action.

The Navi (ibid.) states that teshuva is close to us at this time. It’s imperative, it’s easier to do, and it’s more readily accepted. How can we actualize this?

Rav Aharon Kotler advises that nowadays, even if a person needs to improve himself in a whole host of areas in life, he should nevertheless determine what are the one or two most critical areas, and for each, to decide on a modest but serious undertaking to correct them. For example, if a person is mired in the sin of lashon hara, particularly when he meets up with certain others, he can resolve that “on Motzaei Shabbos, I will no longer meet with these people — period.” Even though this is only a beginning in addressing the sin of lashon hara, since concrete efforts are being made, this partial teshuva is considered a fulfillment of the command to do teshuva.

Since he wants to improve himself and is in the process of doing so, Hashem will help him, in this area and hopefully in others, too, as it states in Midrash Shir Hashirim (5:3): “Open for me the opening the size of a needle and I will widen it to an entrance that can allow laden wagons through.” If a Jew makes the first step in correcting his ways, Hashem assists him — sometimes in ways he never dreamed he was capable of.

This idea is expressed by the Midrash (Pesikta Raba 45) in the form of an analogy. A misbehaving son was sent away by his father, and sometime later, the father calls upon the son to return.

“Father, how can I come home, I am too far away,” the son replies.

“Son, come back as much as you can, and I will bring you the rest of the way.”

So too, Hashem says, you take that first step of teshuva and I’ll bring you the rest of the way back.

Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz would note from a Midrash that when the verse says that teshuva is “in your mouth (Devarim 8:6),” it means that we should “take the ideas out of our mouth” – meaning, we can arouse ourselves to self-improvement by talking to ourselves. For example, if a person is prone to coming late to davening, let him verbalize the words and ask himself: “Is this what I really want? I want to come late to davening? Tefilla with a minyan is very important! Do I want to keep on denigrating it?”

A person really wants to fulfill mitzvos properly, only he falls into bad habits, gets used to them, and unconsciously assumes that for him, no other way is possible. Speaking out our desire to change can help us make good on this and do teshuva.

An interesting example for this is found in Kidushin (49b), where the sages say that if a man who is known as a less-than-pious Jew gives a woman kidushin “on condition that I am a complete tzaddik,” the kidushin is not laughed off as a joke—it is taken seriously! The Lechem Mishneh (Rambam Ishus 8:5) explains that even though it is common knowledge that this man is not a complete tzaddik, nevertheless, the very fact that he expresses these words shows that this is something he wants. His words can arouse himself spiritually, and this arousal may very well propel him to the level of tzaddik. Therefore, the sages ascribe partial validity to his kidushin.

Every Jew has a pure soul within him that wants only to do Hashem’s will. Only, he gets used to a certain lifestyle which sometimes gets in the way. Speaking out the sincere desires of the soul can tap into the soul’s awesome power to change. Indeed, Rav Yerucham Levovitz would note — “teshuva” means to return, but return to what? To Hashem? To the Torah? In fact, teshuva means to return to yourself, to the pure soul within you that wants only to do Hashem’s will.

Another way to help us do teshuva is to daven for it. Rabbeinu Yonah advises us to pray to Hashem that He help us do teshuva  and save us from the yetzer hara (see Shaarei Teshuva 1:8, 43 and more). Although we pray for this throughout the year in the second request of the Shemonah Esrei, during these days, when Hashem is much closer, such prayers certainly have a good effect.

Praying for teshuva also makes more real to us how necessary teshuva is. We are arousing within ourselves the fact that teshuva is important, no less than praying for the refuah sheleimah of a sick individual. The Chasam Sofer would say that we should pray that Hashem help us bring out our inner will to do good. Even if we don’t feel this will, we should daven to Hashem that He give us this will, or strengthen the little bit of it that we do have. If our thoughts are leading us in negative directions, we should pray to Hashem that He help us overcome these harmful thoughts.

Rav Shlomo Brevda once told of a kollel student who had come from America and was learning in Eretz Yisrael, and received a letter from his younger brother. The brother wrote that he too wanted to come and study Torah in Eretz Yisrael, but the very notion of this upset their father terribly. He threatened that he would commit suicide if his second son would leave for Eretz Yisrael to learn. Moreover, the father argued that this son must pursue his secular studies and receive a degree.

“This is the way of the future,” the father concluded, refusing to hear further on the subject of Eretz Yisrael.

In his letter, the younger brother asked what he should do. His older brother brought the question before the Chazon Ish.

“Tell this bachur that he should daven from the depths of his heart that Hashem change his father’s thoughts so that he will agree to his coming to learn here,” said the Chazon Ish.

The older brother relayed the Chazon Ish’s reply in a letter. On the day that the letter arrived, the younger brother davened from the depths of his heart that Hashem change his father’s mind. On that same evening, the father told his son: “You know, I’ve been thinking. What I really want is what you feel is best for you. If you want to learn Torah in Eretz Yisrael, I agree to help you do so.”

May we arouse ourselves to fulfill the imperative of teshuva!