Bs”d
Parshas Ki Sisah
Parshas Ki Sisah discusses klal Yisrael receiving the Torah and subsequently committing a tremendous aveira, the chet ha eigel, the consequences of which we suffer until today. All the meforshim have an obvious kasha – right after matan Torah, when the Jews were holding at such an exalted level, how could it be possible that they would commit such a tremendous transgression, or even think about worshipping avoda zara? They just came as close to seeing G-d as humanly possible.
There’s a Bais Halevi which tries to answer. It’s true that klal Yisrael was on a very high level then, he says, and at that point, their general kavanah in everything was to connect to the Ribbono Shel Olam. They had already been commanded in the building of the mishkan, and had become well versed in many of the sodot, or secrets, alluded to by the specifics of the mishkan’s construction. These sodot described pathways through which they could deepen their connection to Hashem, and Moshe was the focal point and expert who was supposed to advise them on how to properly and most effectively connect. Now that Moshe was absent, and they believe he was not coming back – and thus the mishkan project was suspended — they tried by themselves with their knowledge to channel the Shechina through another means. Certainly they had a great deal of esoteric knowledge. Still, the Bais Halevi comments, they did not rely only on themselves, but called on Aaron HaKohen, who certainly had more knowledge than they, and tried to commandeer him to help in this important project.
The pasuk says regarding the eigel, “This is the G-d that took you out of Mitzrayim”. Superficially, that is obviously not true. They had never even met his calf before. So what did they mean? Since they regarded the calf as a nexus with Hashem, clinging to the calf now became clinging to G-d Himself. The Bais Halevi adds that later, when Moshe Rabbeinu comes down off the mountain and encounters this terrible event, he still manages to say, “See, the people are with you,” meaning to say that Moshe understood that their kavana was, indeed, purely to connect to G-d. So where did they go wrong? The Bais Halevi explains that while it’s true that they had good intentions, and it’s true that they knew genuine sodot about how to connect with G-d, the only reason those sodot actually work and deepen the connection between man and G-d is because G-d commanded man to perform them. But in the absence of G-d’s tzivui, these sodot had no independent power, and thus utilizing them would not constitute doing a mitzvah, and might even be considered a transgression.
In the Midrash it says that when the mishkan was finally constructed, this constituted a partial atonement for the chet ha eigel. The Bais Halevi explains that this was because the mishkan was made specifically according to G-d’s instructions. In other words, the builders of the mishkan, though they knew all the sodot, only integrated them now into the construction based on G-d ‘s commandment. That’s why in parshas Pekudai, so many psukim end with, “Hashem commanded Moshe,” because their entire beings were focused on doing only the will of G-d., and not even a part of them was motivated by accomplishing their own goals.
Many people feel a closeness or love for G-d, and seek to connect in whatever way they imagine makes sense. Often their imaginations are not entirely in sync with the specific commandments Hashem has given, and they end up not accomplishing what they truly wanted. Though it’s counterintuitive to many, because an expression of love would seem to be completely subjective and based only on feeling and sincerity, this is sadly not the case. Regarding the pasuk in parshas Veeschanan, on the subject of kria shema, “you should love G-d”, the Sifrei explains that while we want to love G-d, we don’t know how to love G-d. Hence the next pasuk, “These words which I’m commanding you should be on your heart,” which instructs the one who wants to love G-d how to do so. He should strictly follow the words that G-d commanded.
The Mechilta in Yisro on the pasuk, “Hashem will do chessed to the people who love Him and to the people who watch his mitzvahs”, comments that many people love G-d and want to be moser nefesh – they’re literally aching to sacrifice something for the One they love – but they have no idea what to sacrifice. For example, there’s a group of people who, every year on Pesach, buy a sheep, approach the entrance of the Azara and declare to Hashem, “We’re ready whenever you are. We want to bring the korban Pesach”. Is this what Hashem expects or desires from us on Pesach? Or is this just an emotional response to personal feelings which are admirable but misdirected? The pasuk in Yisro which says, “to the people who love Him and watch his mitzvahs”, answers. According to the Mechilta, the pasuk tells us that it is not personalized gestures, but rather doing mitzvot at times of hardship, that constitutes true self-sacrifice from the Torah perspective, and which is really called true love by G-d’s definition.
In a relationship, a feeling of “being connected” is nice, but if that’s where it ends, rather than with a desire and attempt to grow together further and direct oneself to the needs and desires of the other, one could doubt the level of connection really present. Similarly with Hashem, it’s nice to feel that you love G-d, but perhaps the greater measure of connection is the endless desire to increase in doing His mitzvot, His avodah, and learning His Torah. This feeling of never quite being there, always yearning for more relationship through doing G-d’s will, is the feeling we should wake up with every morning and go to sleep with every night.
We should be zochah to express our love of Hashem in the manner that G-d really wants!