Reproaching Ourselves: Don’t Wait!

By Rabbi Moshe Krieger, Yeshivas Bircas HaTorah (www.bircas.org)

In Parashas Vayigash, Yosef reveals his identity to his brothers. They tremble before him, unable to bear their great embarrassment for how they wronged him. The Midrash (Bereishis Rabbah 93:10) expounds, “Woe is to us on the day of judgment (in the World to Come)! Woe is to us on the day of tochachah (rebuke)! Bilam, the wise man of the nations, could not withstand the rebuke of his donkey. Yosef was younger than his brothers, yet they could not answer his rebuke. How will we be able to answer Hashem on the day of judgement?”

We may wonder, why is this called rebuke? Yosef simply told his brothers who he was and inquired after the health of his father. While the next passuk may contain rebuke, when Yosef declares, “I am Yosef, whom you sold to Egypt,” the Midrash mentions only Yosef’s revealing of his identity as a frightening reminder of the rebuke that awaits us in the next world. What is the tochachah in this statement?

Rav Asher Weiss answers that this question stems from a misunderstanding of the concept of tochachah, and the Midrash comes to teach us how to properly define it. Tochachah does not mean raving against a person’s misdeeds, or forcing him to acknowledge his follies. Genuine tochachah is bringing a person to a place where he will recognize the truth on his own and want to change.

Regarding the brothers, Yosef’s words caused them to realize that they had been mistaken. He was not the schemer they had believed him to be. The dreams he had shared with them were prophecies, not manifestations of his greed for power. Even though Yosef approached his brothers lovingly, they were still overcome with remorse for what they had done. All Yosef had to do was reveal who he was, and it had an incredible impact. Each brother recognized the dreadfulness of his actions and felt a burning desire to correct the past.

Does this mean that we should constantly dread the World to Come’s unbearable embarrassment? Is that the attitude with which we should live life?

On the contrary, I feel that this midrash is meant to energize us. The midrash is calling out to us, “Give tochachah to yourself! Don’t wait until it is too late!” If we delay, the tochachah at our final judgment may very well be unbearable. Moreover, tochachah that we receive from others is often much more painful than tochachah we administer to ourselves. Let us allow this midrash to motivate us to correct our shortcomings as soon as possible, for our own eternal benefit.

It is natural to reject criticism and shy away from change. This expresses itself differently among different kinds of people. Sometimes people aren’t aware of their own behavior or the course their life is taking because they are too busy, distracted, or preoccupied. They don’t realize that anything is wrong until it’s too late. Other people occupy themselves deliberately in order to avoid thinking about the truth.

We bnei Torah have another way of blinding ourselves to our shortcomings. Instead of assessing our behavior regularly, we simply go on our way, blithely assuming that we are fulfilling Hashem’s will. How many of us fail to consider that some of our actions are not in line with what the Torah really says? Perhaps we’re relying on heterim (laws that permit) that do not exist or are inapplicable to our circumstances? Instead of investigating, we may think we are completely righteous, never asking if this is what Hashem wants from us. This midrash calls out to us all, “Examine your ways! Chastise yourselves now, and don’t wait!”

An important point made in this midrash is that confronting the truth is much more painful if it is pointed out by others. The midrash emphasizes that even a little brother or a donkey can cause a person pain and anguish for his actions.

One might tell himself, okay, tochachah hurts more when it comes from others. But facing up to my mistakes is pretty hard, too. If I call myself a failure, how does the fact that I’m saying it make it better?

There is a world of a difference between getting tochachah from someone else and being in control of our own self-improvement. When someone else rebukes us, it attacks our very essence. Suddenly, somebody highlights a fault of ours, and now we appear to be bad, at least a little. It is painful for ugly aspects of ourselves to be on display. However, when we face our issues ourselves, there is no reason to be embarrassed. After all, no one is perfect. We were created for the purpose of perfecting ourselves! What could possibly be embarrassing about addressing the very purpose of our lives? Every problem we identify is a victory and one more step towards perfection.

One of my father’s techniques was to write himself notes. Even as a yeshivah bachur, when he set a goal for himself, he would write himself a note to make sure he persevered. These notes got rather forceful if he saw that he was falling short of his goal. He would encourage himself in writing to keep on working and not give up. He kept on writing these notes to himself until his final days.

Rav Gamliel Rabinowitz told me that within the idea of giving tochachah to ourselves, there is room for us to include the help of others. He said ideally we should seek out the input of other people, because no one can see all of his own flaws. Personally, I see almost no distinction between self-tochachah and that which comes to us from those we have sought advice from. Their tochachah is an extension of our own desire to improve.

Other people can help us greatly in guiding us to perfection. The Maharshal had a specific person designated to give him tochachah. The Gra was famous for his repeated requests that people chastise him. If these gedolim felt they needed other people’s help in their service of Hashem, then we surely do!

Once, a neighbor of Rav Moshe Mandel of Bnei Brak went to ask him a question. He knocked on the front door, but nobody answered. Since the matter was urgent, the neighbor proceeded to the back of the house to see if the Rav was there. To his surprise, he heard shouts of rebuke from the window.

“When are you ever going to repent?! You have so many aveiros, when are you ever going to fix yourself? What’s going to be with your soul?! Moshe, what’s going to be with you?!”

The neighbor was so shocked that he ran away.

May we all be zocheh to give ourselves sincere and effective tochachah!

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