פרשת וישלח
The parsha begins with Esav marching towards Yaakov with 400 armed men. When Yaakov heard about this, the Torah testifies, “ויירא יעקב מאד ויצר לו,” meaning that Yaakov was extremely afraid of the impending battle, not sure of what the outcome of this encounter might be.
All the commentators ask the obvious question: Why was Yaakov afraid?!!! G-d already promised him that “I will be with you and I will watch over you wherever you go. And I will return you to this land and I will never abandon you” !!! (Genesis 33:8) Rashi answers that Yaakov was worried that perhaps he had sinned, thereby dissolving the trust between him and G-d. But this still sounds problematic. If Yaakov wasn’t certain about it, he must have not committed a grave sin. So why did Yaakov think that just because of something small and unintentional G-d might no longer protect him?
The Ibn Ezra answers this question and says something incredibly profound. A sin is weighed according to the greatness of a person. Something that may be considered insignificant for a small person will be considered in a very different light for someone much greater in stature. This is what worried Yaakov Avinu. Even something as minute as a bad thought could incriminate him. This is something we need to learn for ourselves as well. We b’nei Torah are not like other people. We have a tremendous responsibility to make sure that our behavior, whether it’s the way we walk or the way we talk, the way we think or what we invest ourselves in, is 100% according to the Torah. When Rabbi Yehoshua Leib Diskin turned 18 years old his father, Rabbi Binyomin, called him in to his study. He told him to fast and that also he would fast. At night, Rabbi Binyomin called him to his study again. When his son entered, Rabbi Binyomin fell on his shoulders and started crying intensely. Rabbi Yehoshua asked his father why he was crying so much. Rabbi Binyomin answered that he made this day a day of fasting and tefilla day so that Rabbi Yehoshua would get Divine assistance to be able to keep the entire Torah in every aspect all the days of his life. Rabbi Binyomin told Rabbi Yehoshua that he was sure that he wouldn’t do aveiros, but he was scared that his son wouldn’t merit living a life in which all his actions were beyond the letter of the law.
Yaakov continues to beseech G-d for salvation in his encounter with Esav, professing “קטנתי מכל החסדים ומכל האמת” (32:11). Rashi comments that Yaakov meant that since Hashem had already given him so much, he couldn’t possibly depend on his own merits to help him in this crisis. Hashem had already rewarded him for all his merits by giving him so many good things in life. Therefore, Yaakov felt he had much to fear from even a small transgression. The Ramban, Sforno, and Ibn Ezra all explain this verse another way. They say Yaakov was saying that he was afraid even if he hadn’t sinned. He felt so indebted to Hashem that even though He had already promised to guard over him, he couldn’t know how long it would last. Since it was all chesed from G-d, there was no reason to think it would last forever.
Rabbeinu Yona in Shaarei Tshuva gate 3 chapter 29 teaches that every Jew actually has an obligation, according to Torah Law, to look at the world this way. Every time a person experiences success, it is a mitzvah for him to attribute it to G-d’s kindness, as opposed to his own abilities. He should say to himself, “It’s not through my merit that G-d blesses me, it’s only through Hashem’s grace that I have so much.” And interestingly enough, Rabbeinu Yona brings a proof to this from Yaakov Avinu on this very verse, “. קטנתי מכל החסדים ומכל האמת”
There is a verse in Tehillim 62 that says “To You, G-d, is kindness, because You pay every man according to his deeds.” One could ask, why is Dovid Hamelech referring to reward for good deeds as a “kindness”? Isn’t that “justice”?!!! The commentators teach us that that is an incredibly ungrateful way of looking at our relationship with Hashem. Firstly, we’re not entitled to anything. G-d created us to serve Him. Therefore, we are His slaves. This being the situation, why should we feel entitled to anything? Our continued existence and everything that comes with it is a greater reward than anything we could “earn” from G-d. That’s why “paying us according to our deeds” is an amazing kindness that is deserving of great praise.
There is a famous Gemara in Brachos 58 that recounts that when Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakkai was on his death bed, he was incredibly scared. He said “I see two paths in front of me: Gan Eden and Gehinnom!!!” We see from here clearly that even someone of the stature of Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakkai wasn’t able to depend on his merits and feel secure that he would be rewarded in the next world.
I’ll conclude with a story about my father z”l. My father had 7 children and when he made a shidduch for his last son, who happened to be a big talmid chacham, it was of course a great simcha. I remember entering my father’s room and asking him how things were going. To my surprise, my father told me that although he was certainly very happy, he was also very afraid. He said, “That I had the merit to marry off my first 6 children was all chasdei Hashem. Who knows if Hashem will help me all the way through this last shidduch?!!! ” That is the way my father was. (Don’t worry, everything worked out.)
May we all be zocheh to appreciate Hashem’s constant kindnesses to us!!!