Parshas Vayishlach 5775
In the beginning of this week’s parsha we see that Yaakov is very frightened. His brother Esav is heading towards him with an army of 400 men, and Yaakov prepares for war.
In his prayer to Hashem, he says that he is too small for all the great chassadim that Hashem has done for him, but he asks: “still, Hashem, please save me from my brother, from Esav…”
Most meforshim say that even though Yaakov knew that he had done no sin at all, he was still afraid that he lacked the zechuyos (merits) to defeat Esav.
This is hard to understand. What was Yaakov afraid of? Did he lack zechuyos? Wasn’t he ayoshev ohalim all of his life, constantly immersed in learning? Even when he fled for his life from Eretz Canaan he decided on his own to learn another 14 years in the Beis Medrash of Ever! Isn’t this the same Yaakov Avinu who testifies about himself: “I lived with Lavan and yet I fulfilled all the Taryag mitzvos” (Rashi 32:5)?
Moreover, wasn’t Yaakov aware that Hashem was with him? It states openly that when he left Eretz Yisrael (Bereishis 32:1) angels escorted him. The Medrash (Bereishis Rabba 74) states that 600,000 angels were waiting outside of Eretz Yisrael to accompany him from there to Lavan. Right now, as he is on his way to meet Esav, Yaakov himself sends angels to ascertain what sort of meeting to expect. Yaakov had angels at his beck and call. Doesn’t that mean that Hashem is on his side? Why should he be so afraid?
Rav Yechezkel Levinstein offers an answer, first citing Chovos HaLevavos (Shaar Avodas Elokim, chapter 6): One of the main reasons we’re obligated to serve Hashem is because of all the good things He has given us. For this reason, the Jewish Nation has so many more mitzvos than gentiles, because we have received so much more kindness from Him. On the individual level as well, the more a person receives from Hashem, the greater his debt of service is to Him. This explains Yaakov Avinu’s fear. Of course Yaakov realized who he was, that he had lived a life of unparalleled dedication to Hashem. He knew he had angels at his side. Only instead of this boosting his confidence, it made Yaakov think: I’ve received so much from Hashem; He surely expects a very high level of avoda from me. Who says I’ve reached that level? If I’m falling short of it, maybe I’ll be punished?
In Yevamos (121b) the Sages state that Hashem is “particular in His judgment of tzaddikim by a hair’s breadth.” Meaning, whatever level of avoda is expected of them, if they fall short of that level even by one hair’s breadth, they are deemed at fault. In times of danger, such faults are recalled even against a great tzaddik, and this was clearly a time of danger. This is why Yaakov said that he was “too small,” meaning his avoda to Hashem was too small, insufficient in light of all that Hashem had given him.
Even among Torah-observant Jews, some people live with the attitude that their present situation, in health, livelihood and family, is entirely normal and in no way a gift from Hashem. They take the good things they have for granted, thinking that this is what they deserve and it can’t be any different. Instead of infusing their mitzvos with a deep sense of gratitude, they view mitzva observance as if they are doing Hashem a favor. It wouldn’t cross their mind that they have been exceedingly blessed by Hashem and in turn owe Him an exceptional level of avodah. Yaakov Avinu shows us how untrue their outlook is. He had just suffered under a scheming uncle for over 20 years and was about to face a brother ready to make war against him, and yet he could see only the great chassadim that Hashem had done for him all of his life.
Besides a mistaken outlook on life when things are going well, there is another error we can fall into — when something bad happens. Whatever the problem, be it in health, parnassah, family, etc. R”l, when it hits, confusion can set in. One begins to wonder: “What is going on here? I don’t deserve this; why is Hashem doing this to me? Where is Hashem? Is He here at all (chalila)?”
Yaakov Avinu teaches us that when a person understands that every single thing he has is a free gift from Hashem, and that he doesn’t “deserve” anything at all, he will not lose sight of the myriad chassadim Hashem does for him at every moment — even in the face of difficulties.
We learn as well from Yaakov the proper way to approach Hashem in prayer. Yaakov knew that Hashem did not owe him anything. On the contrary, it was he who had already received so much from Hashem, how could he ask for anything? All Yaakov could do was beg Hashem that the great, undeserved chassadim he had received until now should continue.
Rav Avraham Pam, Rosh Yeshivas Torah Vodaas, lived until his late eighties, and most of his life he was in good health. Only toward his last year or so did he fall ill. After he was hospitalized, he spent his final days in constant physical pain, but he never once requested medications that could have relieved this.
Once, a grandson asked him why he was not asking the nurses for such medication. “All you have to do is ring the bell and they’ll be here right away, and they have medicines that can ease your pain.”
Rav Pam answered, “I should make a fuss over a little bit of pain? How can I complain? My whole life, Hashem gave me so much. He gave me health, He gave me nachas, He gave me children, I was zoche to become a Rosh Yeshiva, and how long do people live anyway? Many people don’t reach the age of 60 or 70, and even less people are zoche to reach the age of 80. I’m already 88; I have so much to be thankful for. What’s a little bit of pain compared to the 88 years of good health that He gave me?”
May we be zoche to recognize Hashem’s chassadim and give Him avoda in kind!